


on the necessity of sadness

by aspectral



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M, Gen, post-3x16
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 09:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12105714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aspectral/pseuds/aspectral
Summary: "what iris doesn’t admit to herself is that it’s easier to talk about the failed engagement than everything else surrounding it. she’d rather saywe broke upthanbarry doesn’t love me as much as i love him."iris west doesn't cope so well with her fiancee leaving her. her impending death is just the icing on the cake.





	on the necessity of sadness

**Author's Note:**

> i was thinking about the enduring image of the indestructible black woman. this is my attempt to write against that and present an image of the Black Woman, Very BotheredTM. i wrote it in a panicked rush so please forgive any typos.
> 
> stay tuned for part two.

at first, when iris says we broke up to others, it hurts. the first person she manages to get it out to is joe, and he doesn’t blame her for tearing up. he never would, just gathers her up in his arms and holds her.

times two through five are marginally better. luckily, barry has gotten to the star labs crew first, because aside from an aborted comment from hr after which cisco tells him to shut up, nobody mentions it. well, past the pitying looks. barry and iris hover around each other like ghosts, untethered, both keenly aware of the other’s presence. honestly, she’d hold out on going in this week if she wasn’t a little afraid barry would confront her somewhere and try to convince her she’s important to the team, which, _duh_ , but then she’d cry because he was missing the point and who wants that?

work is best, but only marginally. she’s strategic about it, sharing the news with mickey the secretary at eight. mickey does the rest. by noon everyone knows, except probably scott, who hasn’t spared iris a second glance ever since she bailed on their date way back when. barry has already charmed most of the office so when iris hears people gossiping in the break room about what she could have possibly done to drive him away, she takes off early to “track down a lead” but really just goes to her old room at joe’s and uses up an entire box of tissues.

two weeks later, and iris doesn’t think about barry at all, except at star labs, and her dad’s, and the apartment. she begins taking the night shift when possible and starts sleeping on the couch in her office if she can't arrange that. she thinks she’s coping okay, or well enough for someone who feels like she got the shit kicked out of her.

week 3 is mostly iris walking to the payphone on the corner, dialling every digit of barry's phone number except the last, hanging up, and freaking out neighbours by hysterically sobbing on the elevator ride back to her apartment. 

during week 4, iris has managed to tolerate evenings in the apartment, except she still avoids their… her bed. by week 5 she’s back at the office after seeing barry grabbing a coffee with a couple of the precinct cops at jitters. he doesn’t spot her, but the sheer normalcy of the whole thing grates at iris uncomfortably. she’s supposed to be happy for him, but mostly she wants him to reflect the hurt she feels. maybe it would validate everything that came before.

what iris doesn’t admit to herself is that it’s easier to talk about the failed engagement than everything else surrounding it. she’d rather say _we broke up_ than _barry doesn’t love me as much as i love him_ , or worse, _barry thinks of me as a burden_. she can’t even blame barry, really, because she wanted him to be honest. she wanted to believe in the fairytale. 

but then those thoughts aren’t healthy, so iris takes up running and deletes all the frank ocean from her ipod.

by week 10, iris can look barry in the eyes without flinching, and she’s practiced her lines enough times in the mirror to ask barry to meet with her. “regarding the apartment,” she says formally, and sets a time for meeting at jitters (neutral location, plus she’ll think twice about any displays of emotion because she knows half the customers by name).

barry is there early, sitting patiently with two cups of dark roast. _don’t you dare melt_ , she thinks, and takes her seat across from him, thanking him for the coffee. he’s had a haircut recently, and there’s a little more hair left on top than usual. she wonders if cisco did it for him. she can imagine his gangly pale frame, curled in next to the bathroom sink while cisco hums barber shop harmonies above him and brown strands sprinkle to the floor. the thought causes her throat to close up. _get it together_.

“iris, i meant it when i said you can stay there.” he starts, earnest.

“i’d rather-“ she hesitates. “i’d rather not.”

his green eyes peer at her, contemplatively. searching for some explanation. except they’re sitting uncomfortably far apart at jitters, so that should be all the explanation he needs. “i talked to the landlord, and he’s gonna waive the rest of the lease for us. i should be packed by the end of the month, but just let me know when you want to pick up your stuff and i’ll have it ready for you-“

“-Iris-“

“-or just text me and i can arrange to be out that day.” she adds, almost encouragingly. “and i’m not sure if you wanted mcsnurtle? i can take him to dad’s, but wally has always been reptile-averse.” she thinks a laugh would be appropriate here, so that’s what she does. it sounds hollow to her ears.

barry’s mouth open and closes a couple of times before he seems to settle on a response. “is - is that where you’re going? joe’s?”

 _shit_ , iris thinks. she isn’t aware of what the etiquette is for informing an ex about future plans. when eddie moved out, she followed him around like a lovesick puppy until he took her back. she realizes with a jolt that she’s repeating the same old habits again, here. constantly wondering what barry’s up to when he didn’t really want her anyways.

“just for a little while. until i find a place of my own.” she says firmly. she’s suddenly uncomfortable, as though barry can see how self-sufficient she hasn’t been without him, and compensates by taking a large gulp of coffee. her tongue burns. she wills herself not to cry.

barry’s expression is inscrutable. he takes a sip of his drink and looks at her intently before nodding. “okay. i can take mcsnurtle.” he finally says, and iris releases a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

“okay,” she repeats. “uh, thanks.”

“iris-“ he adds haltingly. “is this what you really want?”

she’s speechless, both from the question and the accompanying hurt expression on his face. was he joking? or maybe he meant mcsnurtle, it occurs to her suddenly, blessedly. “i’m fine either way.” she replies helpfully, and barry looks like she’s smacked him across the face. 

they’re interrupted by mickey, who can’t help but stick her nose into everyone’s business, and iris is glad she’s brought the apartment paperwork with her, marked clearly and placed in front of her, quelling any reconciliation questions at work. it’s a minute or so of small talk before she says her goodbyes. iris’s eyes follow her to the door. “actually, i should probably-“ she cuts herself off and begins shrugging her jacket on.

“yeah,” barry says, and stands up abruptly. iris doesn’t make a move to hug him, which would be appropriate and mature but fuck it. she’s raw enough.

that night, iris puts pink + white back on her iPod and blasts it while she packs her clothes. _you showed me love, glory from above_. she tries not to think about her impending death when he croons about it being all downhill from here. 

relearning how to be alone is harder than it was before. barry’s presence was so comforting, even when they were kids he had been a constant ball of energy, she used to joke that the sounds of him tossing and turning to settle into sleep would lull her into slumber. she takes to blasting music to fill the silence. lots of disco, because disco makes her thinking of dancing instead of dance partners. 

soon, her days take on a plodding quality: wake, work, exercise, cook, pack, sleep. she hasn’t thought about anything past the next thing on her playlist in weeks. her dad swings by one night and serenades her with some stevie wonder while they clean the floors of the loft. she laughs so much her stomach hurts. 

the next day it’s wally, who offers to speed pack for her, and the very idea of having twelve days with nothing to do fills her with a terror she’s only just alleviated. besides, iris has doesn’t want wally to see his box, scrawled messily with his name and filled with family photos and trinkets that iris likes to think will bring him comfort post-her. after a hour of packing wally’s tapping feet cause her to abandon their efforts and they catch a movie instead. 

when filling her dad’s box, iris cries for the first time in weeks. her perfect father, more than any little girl or adult woman could ask for. for the nineteenth time she thanks her lucky stars that francine came back when she did. he’ll have wally to lean on. 

wally’s box brings on a lot of happy memories. she fills it with pictures of the two of them, plus photos of her mom. well, the ones she hasn't torn up. she feels regret for a brief moment, but remembers she doesn't have the space left to feel regret right now.

caitlin, cisco, and hr’s boxes are straightforward, filled mostly with iris’ favourite recipe books and individual letters with words like _endure_ and _support_. if she had to die, at least people would think that she was resilient in the end. that she endured. maybe if they believed it they’d endure too.

in the end, iris can’t bring herself to make a box for barry. the words won’t come to her. instead, she places her iPod in the box with a note: _for when the silence grows too loud_. 

and then, to her surprise, iris west accepts her fate. 

 

 **part two: in which iris west most assuredly does not accept her fate, and someone throws an ill-advised party.** coming soon.

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on [tumblr](http://www.crayonorange.tumblr.com).


End file.
